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  Cherie finally dropped out of sight and I hadn’t heard of her in the years since then.

  But Sierra would care when she found out. She liked Victor, and she didn’t know anything about Vic. She may not be high-maintenance, but she liked the illusion I had created for her.

  Right now, when she needed help, I couldn’t bear to see her turn into another Cherie. Clinging to anyone who could save her. I was so afraid it would happen with Sierra that I couldn’t let it.

  I checked on Sierra a couple times that night, but she was sleeping. Several people stopped me as I wandered around the camp and asked about “the twin fight.” It was the hot gossip of the Festival. Some people claimed they had heard the girls were rolling around on the ground and pulling each other’s hair in a real catfight.

  I didn’t like being this notorious. My gig worked only because I kept as low a profile as possible. But now, looking around and recognizing people, I realized there were at least a dozen people I knew from the city. Without being aware of it, I had become friendly with a lot of people, under false pretenses.

  If I told Sierra, she would tell others here and it would blow up in my face. The spotlight was already on us. I was going to be lucky if I got out of this with my cover story intact. All it would take is one person saying, “Hey, I thought I saw that dude outside my plane window last week…”

  But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, to be done with the lies.

  I wished it was possible to have a repeat of the night before, when we both were so free. Or this afternoon in the barn when she made me feel better than I had ever felt before, like she was in the palm of my hand. Like I could do anything because I could blow her mind.

  But I couldn’t do that in my role anymore, not while I was lying to her. So I was okay with finding, every time I checked, that she slept the night away.

  As I wandered around the Festival, I felt oddly displaced, like I was watching myself watch everyone else having fun. A few girls tried to flirt with me, but I was so tightly wound that I couldn’t respond. It was like the Festival had become a completely different place, with everything flat and devoid of meaning and color.

  When I woke up in my cot the next morning, Sierra was already gone. Her sleeping bag was neatly rolled and her cubby was empty with her bag ready to go. The other cubbies were still spilling over with personal stuff.

  I found Sierra in the mess hall. Her laptop was plugged into the wall and she was searching the screen intently.

  “Morning! What’s up?” I asked her.

  “Morning,” she said with a smile. “I’m searching Craigslist for a room for rent. Do you know where Canarsie is?”

  “Brooklyn.”

  “I see that.” She tilted her head at the screen. “That’s on the other side of JFK airport. I bet that’s some commute into the city. How long does it take on the subway?”

  I realized she was looking at me expectantly. “I work out of LaGuardia. I don’t know, maybe forty-five minutes.”

  “Plus there’s a transfer at Broadway Junction,” she said thoughtfully, her eyes back on the screen.

  Since Sierra was absorbed in her computer, I went over and got some breakfast and coffee. When I came back to sit across from her, she barely looked up at me as I ate.

  “Here’s one,” she would say occasionally. “Room in single family house in Flushing.” Or “$500 for a nook off the living room. That doesn’t sound reasonable, does it?”

  Finally she said, “Here’s an okay one, but it’s not available until next month. If only Lola would pay for her half of August rent, then I would have options.”

  “Just don’t pay rent,” I suggested. “You won’t get an eviction notice the first month. They’ll use your security deposit.”

  “I hate it, but if she bails, I might have to do that,” she sighed. “I don’t want trouble. But everyone expects first month and security deposit, and some of these people want last month’s rent, too. Then I would need at least $1,500 to get into a new place. I don’t have that.”

  Her money talk was making me feel very uncomfortable. I couldn’t shake the feeling she was fishing. Like she expected me to help her out. If I had $1,500, I probably would have given it to her. She was worth it. But it still seemed hollow compared to our first twenty-four hours of Festival, when we had truly meshed together with no ulterior motives other than having fun.

  Or so I thought.

  The feeling of watching myself continued throughout the morning as Sierra sent out emails asking about rooms for rent and talked to people on the phone. During the long van ride back to the airport, she sat silent for the most part. The others chatted happily about the things they had done at the Festival.

  In the airport, I took her to the sky lounge, entry granted by my employee ID. She promptly plugged in her laptop and continued her search.

  Finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Are you sure you won’t get the rent from Lola? You said her boyfriend used to give her rent money. Maybe Martin will give it to her.”

  “He’s one step up from homeless. He doesn’t have any money.” Sierra gave a short laugh. “No, I’m going to have to do this myself. Like you said, we’re all alone. And the sooner I face that, the better.”

  My heart sank. I knew for a fact that she wouldn’t be here with me if Monica hadn’t told her that I was rich. And now she felt abandoned by me. She was right, but for the wrong reasons. I didn’t have the money to give her. And there was nothing I could say about it other than confess the truth, so I sat there silently.

  We barely spoke during the plane ride. When I dropped her off in front of her stoop and got out to get her bag from the trunk, she gave me her practiced smile and said, “Thank you for taking me down to see Lola. Even though it turned out so badly, I’m glad it’s finally settled. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “I wish I hadn’t suggested we go down there. You wouldn’t be in this position.”

  “I think Lola was going to stiff me no matter what I did. The way she talked to me… I’ve never heard her say those kinds of things to me before.”

  “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else I could say.

  “You’ve been really sweet,” she said sadly. She was trying to smile, but I could tell it was too difficult. “Thank you for everything.”

  She turned and carried her bag up the steps before I could pick it up again. I had expected a hug, at least. I stood there staring up at her as she let herself into the building. With a little wave, she disappeared inside.

  I wanted to call her back out and say everything that had stopped up my mouth all day. Confess everything. But I knew what kind of girl she was, and she wouldn’t be forgiving to find out I had lied to her from the beginning. Since I couldn’t be the man she wanted me to be, my only other option was to leave.

  Chapter 17

  Sierra

  I stepped into my apartment feeling like a stranger. It was so drab and sad-looking, exactly like I felt. A month ago it had been wreathed in golden rosy colors, a necessary step towards my vision of living a successful life in the city.

  Shabby or not, this would be gone soon. Victor was so right—I had to depend on myself, or the rug would be pulled out from under me again. It was stupid to rely on Lola when I had seen over the past year that she wasn’t capable of pulling her own weight. I should have made a change sooner instead of waiting until Lola self-destructed.

  The situation with Victor made it even worse. We both were in sad, distant moods on the flight back. I had hoped to prove to him that I was taking care of myself by organizing my room-for-rent hunt, but honesty about my circumstances gained me nothing. His good opinion had already been thoroughly blown. He didn’t want anything to do with me after my fight with Lola.

  It was humiliating because I was falling for Victor. I could hardly think about him without flushing, remembering how he knew my body so well. His voice in my ear would linger with me forever. His touch was seared into my skin, as I reme
mbered how he had lifted me to the stage like I weighed nothing, kissing me like he would never stop.

  That was passion I had never imagined before. It wiped out everything else in my past like it was dust. If I still had that with Victor, I wouldn’t be nearly as upset about Lola’s bombshell. With a man like that by my side, I could get through anything.

  But he wasn’t by my side. He had a whole other life. The way he spoke to the flight attendants so familiarly, and knew them by name, showed his long experience with traveling. I managed to bumble my way through the process again, thankfully without losing any personal items or getting my bag turned inside out this time. But I was uncomfortable the entire trip.

  I had no place in his glamorous life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I had enough trouble making things better for myself. I didn’t need anyone looking down on me. Especially right now when I was barely treading water.

  A knock on the door interrupted my unpacking. When I went to the peephole, Dick was standing outside.

  Irritation flushed through me. None of this would have happened if Dick hadn’t thrown me in the deep end at the Chamber.

  I flung open the door. “What do you want?”

  “I want to see Lola.”

  I kept blocking his way. “She’s not here.”

  “I can see that. I want to know where she is.”

  “I don’t know. She hasn’t given me her forwarding address.”

  As soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. His hand gripped the door, pushing me inward. When we were both inside the tiny kitchen, he shut the door behind us.

  “You mean Lola’s moved out?”

  “Yeah.” The way his eyes shifted made me uneasy. “So you might as well stop trying to stalk her here.”

  “Where is she?”

  “I told you, I don’t know!” Actually, I did remember the address in Bed-sty that Victor had shown me on the computer. But I wasn’t going to tell Dick that.

  He looked at me with hard eyes. “You better not be lying to me.” With that, he strode into our bedroom.

  “Hey! Wait a minute, Dick—“

  He opened Lola’s closet and saw the empty space, with the discards left behind. Then he went into the bathroom and rifled through the medicine cabinet. “Gone, it’s all gone!” Whirling on me, he took my arms in both hands, giving me a shake. “Where is she?”

  I tried to get away, but he was too strong. “You’re hurting me, Dick!”

  His fingers eased, but he didn’t let go. “Tell me, where is she?”

  “She’s living with Martin!” I exclaimed. “Don’t you know where? You’ve been spying on her for weeks.”

  He finally let me go. “She quit her job. I’ve been hanging around here but she never shows.”

  I rubbed my arms. I was suddenly glad that I didn’t have to care that Lola had quit her job. That was her problem, not mine. “Take the hint, Dick. She’s moved on. She’s left both of us behind.”

  “Not you,” he protested.

  “Yes, me. She won’t talk to me anymore.”

  “Where were you this weekend? I know where she was because she puts it out there for the world to see. She was at a pagan bondage festival down in Maryland.”

  “Lola’s a big girl. She’s taking care of herself.”

  “She’s just twenty! What does your mom think? I’d be furious if I was her.”

  “I don’t know.” In fact, our mom knew nothing about what was going on. And I doubted she would care. She would be most afraid that one of us would try to move back to her place. But Dick didn’t know about that. He had only met our mom once, and he had dominated the conversation with his insistence that he could take care of Lola for her. He didn’t realize that our mom had never taken care of Lola. I did.

  “So you don’t care about Lola anymore?” he demanded, like he was reading my mind.

  “Lola’s made her choice. She’s on her own. Like I’m on my own.”

  “You’re making a huge mistake. You’re going to regret it when your sister pays the price.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. But Dick was sweating and flushed and I didn’t want to rile him up any further. I moved toward the door. “I’ll let you know if I get a forwarding address from her, Dick.”

  He hesitated. “You better not be lying to me.”

  “Why would I lie? I’m mad at Lola. If I could, I’d sic you on her in a heartbeat.”

  He must have heard my very real anger because he finally backed down. “Make sure you do.”

  It was tense going until I got him out the door and bolted it behind him. I had never been scared of Dick before, but he had scared me when he grabbed my arms. I rubbed the reddened skin. Lola had said he wasn’t a nice guy sometimes. Maybe she had seen this side of him, too.

  It was not good.

  I wished I had someone to talk to about this. When I turned out the light on the empty apartment, with the sounds of the city pressing in on all sides, I had never felt so lonely. I almost looked forward to the idea of moving to an apartment where I had roommates. At least I wouldn’t be alone anymore.

  ...

  Over the next few days, all of my free time was spent on the subway going from room sublet to roommate shares. So many people were desperately looking for a place this close to the end of the month that I started to run into the same faces—like the red-headed guy on the bike and the girl who wore a black watch cap even though we were going through a hot and humid spell.

  The entire city stank in the summer heat wave, as if warning me that New York was going to pound me into the ground before it was done with me. Any illusion I had that hard work would be enough was destroyed by this dismal come-down from my apartment to a measly room share.

  It was heartbreaking to be judged and dismissed by the people showing off their apartments, sometimes before I opened my mouth. I didn’t know whether it was because I was young or because my income was scary and nobody wanted to trust it. They were eyeing me like I was a potential Lola, and it was infuriating because I didn’t get into this state by my own doing. Unless you considered trusting my sister to be a fault.

  The apartments were not good, and the ones that were barely acceptable had serious flaws, like a very long commute or weird roommates. I started to think I didn’t want to room with men. The way they looked at me was not right. Not if I wanted to be able to get milk from the fridge at night.

  Working the pavement brought back memories of when I was eighteen and had just graduated from high school, and was eager to get started with my new life in the city. I had hoped for a studio apartment of my own, but that cost too much for me. So I had looked at roommate share situations and found that nobody would rent to me until I had a job for six months.

  That started my year of commuting from Tarrytown to Midtown. A lot of my paycheck went to paying for the train. The rest I saved up, and once Lola was free, I found our little one bedroom that barely had space for two single beds. It was on Ditmars Blvd with traffic always crisscrossing on it, so it was noisy even at night. And when the wind was from the north, I could smell the sluggish East River in the industrial bays.

  Maybe Lola was right and I had used her to afford our place in Astoria. Even though Lola didn’t have the same dream as I did about making it in the city.

  I sure hoped Lola was doing what was best for her now. Because I wouldn’t be able to help if she couldn’t handle the shark-infested waters.

  The worst was, I never heard from Victor. Not once.

  It was impossible not to think about him. I thought of him constantly in my long trips to the distant corners of the city. I kept thinking about how I had messed up with him, and the way his eyes went gray and flat as he withdrew from me. It hurt so much. So I pushed that away to remember how his hands had taken hold of my waist, pulling me in close to him. How strong and big he was, lifting me with ease. His warm breath against my face as he was deep inside of me…

  It took me back instantly to those moments, and I
was lost in the pleasure again, as the remembered sensations washed through me. It was the drug I used to get through the pain. When I was lost in those moments, everything else receded: the faces on the subway or bus, the confusion of new streets, of being afraid and trying to deal with suddenly being uprooted. My own neighborhood felt strange because I knew I no longer belonged there. Soon I wouldn’t be buying my morning coffee at that corner deli or shopping for groceries in the bodega by the subway station. It really hurt that I wouldn’t be able to walk in the park along the East River anymore and watch the tugs go by.

  Doggedly I went through my days, going to work and even making it to class on Wednesday. At that moment, making it to class felt pretty heroic. Every other second was spent trying to find a new home. I normally would have kept my troubles to myself at work, ever mindful of my need to rise in the ranks. But I couldn’t pretend that the weekend went great when it had been a complete disaster, resulting in the need to find a new apartment and the loss of my potential most-sexy boyfriend. The girls were sympathetic, including Kalisha, and they agreed that the only thing rich men wanted from girls like us was sex on the side with no strings attached.

  It didn’t occur to me to go to my family with my tale of woe. They had their own problems to deal with. My older brother had helped me out before, but according to his Facebook updates, he was also searching for a new place to rent upstate where he could live with his fiancé.

  Besides, it wasn’t money that I needed. I needed a room in the city that wasn’t awful where I could try to rebuild my life.

  At one point I found myself sitting on a bench, not sure where I was. The search had overwhelmed me. People streamed by in a sea of scissoring legs, not noticing me.