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  It might be exactly the medicine I was looking for, to rid me of the specter of Victor. The perfect master who didn’t exist.

  I looked around. I hadn’t seen Vic since we came back into the performance space. Most likely he had left when I went into the art show with Liam. I wouldn’t have to feel his eyes on me, tearing me out of the moment.

  “Yes,” I said. “I want to try it.”

  Chapter 37

  Vic

  I watched Liam hold Sierra’s arms behind her. I saw how her chin lifted and her chest swelled with a deep breath. The way she shyly turned her head away from him. How Liam stood so close to her, his head bent to murmur in her ear…

  It was torture. My well-deserved punishment.

  I stayed well back in the shadows, knowing I couldn’t hide my obsession if anyone saw me. I wanted nothing more than to take Liam down for touching Sierra. But I had no right to do that. I knew in my bones that she belonged to me, but if she didn’t think so, my feelings meant nothing.

  I had loved Adrianne, as only an eighteen year old could love an older, experienced woman. She had blown my mind, honed my natural need to dominate, and allowed me to master her. And she had loved me, in her selfish way, as long as I gave her what she wanted.

  But this was different. I felt like I knew Sierra in a way I had never known anyone. Like I had always known her. I knew how serious she was about her work, and that she would make her life better for herself no matter how hard it was. I knew how alone she was and the set-backs she’d suffered, but in spite of that, she didn’t whine about the bad things that happened to her.

  Most of all, I knew how tormented she was by her sister’s rejection. I never knew that family could be so loyal, but Sierra was loyal to a fault. If only my sister had been that way, my entire life would have been different. If she could have loved me a tenth as much as Sierra loved Lola, I might have been okay.

  Sierra was the best person I had ever met. She was so pure that she made me believe in myself. But as I tried to become a better person, I had to reveal my shit to her.

  And in doing that, I had hurt her even more. I had hurt her a lot since the night we met.

  I had no right to love her. But I did. Love her.

  Liam guided Sierra closer to the wall, out of the mass of people who were gathering around the pieces of equipment that now dotted the open floor. I shifted back along with them, staying in the shadows where I could see them.

  One of Liam’s friends came over carrying several bundles of white rope. The three of them talked for a few moments, and Sierra gestured to something out on the floor. The guy clapped Liam on the shoulder.

  Then he left the two of them alone. With the rope in Liam’s hands.

  They were going to have a scene.

  A wordless cry of anguish filled my head, and I had to clench my fist in my other hand, telling myself not to move. I couldn’t go and take Sierra from Liam by force. As much as I longed to.

  Liam stood in front of Sierra, lightly holding her hands as they spoke. Probably asking for her safeword. Would she use the one I had given her?

  Now Sierra was nodding and smiling shyly. Her eyes never left Liam, as he began to weave his spell around her.

  Liam pushed up her filmy sleeve and began tying the rope around her upper arm, right above her elbow. He tied it off and then made another loop underneath that one, and tied that off. Then he made another loop right below her elbow and tied it off.

  Liam kept stroking her arm down to her hand between tying each knot. I could tell Sierra was being lulled by the way he handled her. Her eyes closed a few times, and she visibly trembled at one point.

  I felt as if I was being flayed alive. My jealousy raged, along with my envy of Liam. It was that same old envy that had urged me to take advantage of girls who didn’t think I was good enough.

  I deserved every moment of this torture. For all the lies I had told, and all the women I had hurt. I was getting what I deserved.

  Chapter 38

  Sierra

  I liked it. I liked how Liam smelled and the way he spoke to me, gentle with an undertone of command. And standing there passively while he was touching me so deliberately made me shiver in delicious anticipation.

  I kept trying to blank my mind, to concentrate on the sensations. But memories of Vic kept intruding… he always used to trail his fingers down my arm to my hand when he wanted to hold it. He used to touch my face with his fingertips, and smooth back my hair... I wished Liam would do that, but he was concentrating on the knots.

  Chapter 39

  Vic

  As Liam went to the other side of Sierra to tie her other arm, I felt something ease in my gut. I could tell from Sierra’s quick glance up and around as Liam changed sides that she wasn’t very caught up in what was happening. She looked down at the neat ladder of rope up her arm, fingering it, and then let it dangle by her side.

  I knew what Sierra needed because I was the only one who could give it to her. She yearned for intensity. She wanted to throw herself into the volcano like a virgin sacrifice. She wanted to go all in, but Liam was carrying her along in cool baby steps. This was education, not sex. Definitely not passion.

  Her posture was relaxed now, without that seductive tension from before. She was enjoying it, but it wasn’t rocking her world.

  I would have already rocked her world, if I had been the one wielding that rope.

  Sierra stood there and smiled at Liam as he tied up her other arm. She even shivered again when Liam trailed his fingers down her arm to her hand. But that was a purely physical reaction. She didn’t lean towards Liam as if she was being pulled towards him by magnetic force, like she did with me. She didn’t look up at Liam with hooded eyes, as if afraid to reveal too much while she was so vulnerable, like she did with me.

  I breathed easier, wiping the sweat from the back of my neck. I had almost gone off the rails there. I had to learn to control myself when it came to Sierra.

  If this was what she needed to realize that I was the man for her, then I was glad she was getting it. Anything it took to get her back, I was willing to pay. Anything.

  Even watching another man touch her and smile into her eyes.

  Liam went behind Sierra and began lacing her arms together. She tilted her head as if she wasn’t sure what she thought of it. But the pose forced her to stand up straighter, thrusting her breasts out.

  Liam checked the tension on the lacing, to make sure it wasn’t too tight anywhere. She nodded to something he asked her. Then she smiled when he urged her to step forward. She took a few mock high steps, like the pony girls did. She laughed.

  It looked like she was having fun, a light-hearted scene. Liam took her out further to walk around, to see what it felt like.

  I shifted, staying behind her where she wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want to bother her while she was having a good time.

  But that didn’t mean I was going to walk away. I couldn’t if I tried.

  Chapter 40

  Sierra

  I kept raising each knee high with every step, like the pony girls did. “It’s not easy walking like this,” I told Liam. “They have some kind of stamina.”

  “You would too if you did it every day,” he teased.

  “Every day? Do they do this every day?”

  “They might. If it’s their thing, why not?”

  “It’s good exercise,” I agreed.

  I watched the pony girls standing near the cross where another girl had her top stripped down and was being whipped on her bare back by the quirt. The cowboy had a scarily intent expression as he flicked the quirt against her, and the girl let out little shrieks and jerked against her bonds. But she was also nuzzling the other pony girls who stepped in to soothe her skin every now and again.

  Liam put one hand under my arm, steadying me as I swayed. I had worn my comfortable heels because of the subway, but they were still heels. I liked it that he was making sure I was okay. It was the best part of
the scene, actually.

  Shifting my shoulders, testing the bonds, I was starting to feel the strain. I could see what Liam meant about the endurance it took to do bondage, and took deep breaths to relax into it. Tensing made it worse. I wondered what it would feel like to be bound all over and hung from various points, like Lola. The ropes would dig in, like they were digging into my upper arms.

  “Are you okay?” Liam asked.

  “Yes. It does… kind of… hurt.”

  “Badly?” he asked.

  “No. But you can’t forget about it, that’s for sure.” With my chest so open, it was easy to take deep breaths.

  “Now you’re getting it,” Liam murmured, his face close to mine. “Breathe into it.”

  In that split second, I thought he might kiss me. I didn’t want him to kiss me.

  Suddenly, someone bumped into Liam from behind, and he jostled into me. Liam had to grab onto my arm to catch me from stumbling backwards.

  Steadying me, Liam turned to the guy who had bumped into him. “Hey, watch out!”

  “I’m sorry,” the guy was already saying. His wrists were bound together by a short chain, as were his ankles. “I lost my balance.”

  His Mistress jerked on the leash attached to the collar around his neck. “Apologize, Meatworm!”

  The guy lowered his head and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Mistress. I apologize deeply.”

  I glanced at Liam. Meatworm? Liam was clearly trying to not to be irritated. “Okay. No harm done.”

  As the Mistress passed us, she struck her slave with her crop. “Stop being so clumsy!”

  Meatworm flinched at that and bumped into me. This time I was knocked off balance, but Liam’s firm hand was on my upper arm. I sagged down in my knees until Liam helped me stand again.

  The Mistress raised her crop against Meatworm. “You sorry piece of—“

  Liam was practically standing between them, and he had to deflect the crop. “Stop it! It’s too crowded here for that. Find a station if you want to have a scene.”

  I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. Something about the way Liam held my upper arm sent panic through me. His fingers were so tight, like I couldn’t get away, even if I struggled.

  I tried to pull away, but I staggered and Liam held on to support me.

  But in my mind, it felt like something else.

  The memory flashed over me, of that awful apartment in Tarrytown. I was snooping around my mom’s bedroom while she was taking a shower, when a strange man sat up in bed and caught me holding his jacket. I didn’t even know he was there. He had grabbed my arm and shook me, pulling me back into the living room. He left bruises on my arm, but even worse was knowing that I had to do whatever he said or he would hurt me. Maybe worse than he was hurting me already.

  It was everything I hated about living with my mom. Not knowing who would be there, who I would run into in the bathroom, who would look at me and Lola in that appraising way… those many nights I laid there awake, hoping none of them would hurt us.

  Like that man hurt me. I could feel his harsh grip on my arm, the way he shook me to make his point to stay out of the bedroom, feeling how he was ready to do more. That terrible pause before he threw me onto the sofa bed where Lola slept. And I knew something awful was about to happen, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  “Let me go!” I gasped. Instincts took over and I thrashed in his grasp to get away. Just as I had thrashed to get away so many years ago.

  Liam turned back from trying to keep the Mistress from beating her slave right in our faces. But I could only see the dingy living room where I slept with Lola.

  “Let me go!” I cried.

  Jerking my arms, realizing they were held fast, I lost my balance again. That only made Liam hold on tighter to my arm to keep me from falling. I saw the surprise in his eyes, but I also saw that man’s dark scowl as he leaned over me sneering that I would get what I asked for.

  Frozen in fear, I felt the ropes tugging on my arms. “Relax, Sierra, I’ve got it.”

  It was Vic’s voice!

  Vic was there behind me, doing something to release me, to save me. I couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. I was so grateful to be held by his strong arms.

  Chapter 41

  Vic

  I saw what was happening as Liam tried to back off that crazy Mistress and her slave. Sierra was hardly touched, but I could tell the instant she began to freak out. Something about being bumped into wigged her out.

  I ran forward, pulling my rope cutter from my pocket. I always carried it at events; the pointy end made for a nice scary toy with the protected blade visible but not dangerous. I had used it on Sierra to cut off her thong, and I used it again now. I didn’t know Liam’s rigging, and the whole thing looked too ornate to try to figure out on the fly.

  With one swipe, I dragged the rope cutter down the lacings and they separated at once.

  With my other arm, I held onto Sierra as she sagged forward, the tension on the ropes released.

  Liam realized what was happening and was still holding onto her arm. “What’s wrong, Sierra?”

  She pulled away from him, making a warding off motion. Her head shook wordlessly, as she trembled in my arms.

  Liam backed off, looking shocked. A few other people had noticed and were also checking us out.

  “I have to get her to a chair,” I said.

  I picked Sierra up, like I had picked her up when Dick had hurt her. That night I had carried her like a prize back to my place. And held her close all night… like I wanted to do right now. To protect her from everything that was hurting her.

  I set her down on the closest chair and knelt down next to her, chafing her hands. They felt cold, but her face was getting some color back.

  “Are you okay, Sierra?” Liam was asking anxiously over my shoulder. He didn’t try to touch her again, probably because of the way she had desperately pulled away from him.

  Sierra nodded.

  “She needs water,” I ordered without glancing at Liam.

  Liam hurried off, and I had Sierra to myself. I rubbed her arms lightly, helping to bring the blood flow back into them. It looked like Liam had done a good job. Her circulation was good. It was most likely her sudden fright that had chilled her.

  “Thank you,” Sierra whispered.

  “I’m always here for you, Sierra.”

  She took a deep sigh. “I don’t know what happened. I remembered one of my mom’s boyfriends... he grabbed me like that, under my arm… he dragged me into the living room.”

  I waited a moment, but she didn’t go on. And this was no time to push a story like this from her. “Trauma can come back anytime if you’re triggered.”

  “Trauma… I was scared, but it wasn’t like he beat me up. Or anything. But he could have. He almost did.”

  “Sometimes being scared is all it takes.” I couldn’t look away from her eyes, so dark and shining, like I was falling into her. “Sierra, I’m so sorry I scared you the first night we met. It was wrong in every way. I hate to think I’ve given you more trauma that will come back to haunt you someday.”

  Her expression softened. She was searching my eyes in return. “I can’t say I understand. I wish I did. But I do know both of us were pretending to be someone we weren’t that night. Asking for something we didn’t really want.”

  I picked up her hand and kissed it. I had to feel her skin beneath my lips. “I’m not pretending anymore. I love you, Sierra. I always will.”

  Her mouth opened in surprise, caught by my words but unsure if she could believe me. And no wonder, with all the lies I had spread as love traps for her.

  Liam appeared, out of breath. “Here’s your water, Sierra.”

  I didn’t want to stop stroking her arms, but Liam had put her into bondage, this was their scene. I couldn’t force him away.

  I stood up and let Liam bend over her, as he asked how she was doing. Sierra drank her water and told him it was some kind of flashbac
k from when she was a girl. Her voice shook even as she said it, like she was still caught in an old nightmare, even though she knew it was long over. That’s how it was with triggers—the emotions were the same even though years had passed. She was breathing rapidly, her skin moistened.

  I wanted nothing more than to go to her and hold her tight until she didn’t feel bad anymore. No matter how long it took.

  That’s what I should be doing now. That’s what felt right. But I had ruined it and couldn’t even reach out for her now when Sierra needed it the most.

  She only had Liam, and he was like a wet rag. While I stood there shaking with an effort to keep myself from wrapping my arms around her, Liam was practically backing away, he was so scared to touch her again. Pussy. If he really cared about her, he would do something.

  “I feel so bad,” Liam apologized. “I’m really sorry.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Sierra said faintly. “I’m not good at first scenes.”

  In all honesty, I told them both, “I saw what went down. You couldn’t have done anything different, Liam. It was one of those things that happen sometimes. We’re playing with intense things here.”

  Liam met my eyes, startled. “That’s decent of you.”

  “I’m trying,” I said.

  Both Liam and Sierra were eyeing me warily when Lola ran up. Her face was scrubbed but pink patches still speckled her arms and legs. She actually went up to kneel next to Sierra, looking concerned. “What happened, Sierra? Someone told me you fainted.”

  “No, I just got knocked off balance,” Sierra explained. “It’s nothing.”

  “She’s shook up,” I told Lola.

  “I should go home,” Sierra said quietly.

  With her brow furrowed, Lola said, “Martin is getting the van. We can drop you off. Greenpoint, right?”