Role Play Read online

  Sierra nodded, relief spreading over her face.

  I had never seen a more sisterly moment between the two, as Sierra stood up and Lola made sure she was steady on her feet. I was so glad for Sierra. She had been waiting a long time for this breakthrough. Nobody deserved it more because nobody could be more loyal than Sierra.

  I led the way, breaking a path for the girls, while Liam trailed behind. Liam wasn’t looking too happy. It wouldn’t do his rep any good to have rumors spreading around of girls fainting on him. As for me, I didn’t care what anyone said about me. I was only thinking about Sierra.

  Now she knew that I loved her.

  Chapter 42

  Sierra

  I held onto my sister’s arm, desperately needing her support, more for emotional reasons than to keep me steady on my feet. I wasn’t going to let go until I had to. It was the first sign of a thaw in our icy relationship in months. There was something so fundamentally comforting in having Lola by my side, wanting to help me. We had been through so much together our whole lives—this rift between us was unbearable.

  Having Lola there at that moment did more to revive me than anything else could have done. Our past was in the past, and I had always dragged her along with me as I did everything humanly possible to get away from that life. My frightening flashback had shown me one thing—hearing my mom hook up had taught me that love came with pain. Those men had taught me not to question them, or I would suffer in response.

  So maybe that’s why I had gone along with Vic’s fantasy relationship, letting him set the rules, secretly afraid to rock the boat because didn’t that always end in sorrow? I had stayed away from men for so long, that only my overwhelming need to help Lola had beat back my fear that first night in the Chamber.

  But I wasn’t that scared girl sleeping on the couch anymore. No matter how bad the memory of it could still make me feel, I would never be that girl again. I had proven I could do whatever I set my mind to, and I wouldn’t put up with anyone’s shit anymore.

  Behind us was Liam, who had lost his usual easy smile. Maybe it was the sight of Vic ahead of us, breaking a path with ease. Having Vic there was more comforting to me than it should have been, considering everything that had happened.

  I was doomed. My questions had been answered by my scene with Liam. The entire time I had been mostly disconnected from him, but with Vic, in just a few moments as he rescued me, I had felt a rush that electrified my whole body. It couldn’t be denied. I could still feel Vic’s hands on my arms, soothing the rope marks on my skin. His eyes looking into mine as if he was searching out my secrets.

  It was a taste of heaven.

  Somehow Vic had known the moment the scene went bad for me. I barely knew something was wrong when my panic hit. But he was there instantly, cutting me free, taking care of me.

  Just as he was taking care of me now, making sure we got outside without being jostled again. I wanted to wallow in that feeling of being safe. Of having Vic stand between me and the rest of the world…

  “Let me use your cell,” Lola said. “Mine is drained.”

  I dug into my purse and handed over my phone. Lola typed in a text. Later I read it: It’s Lola. My sister needs a ride home. We’re waiting in front.

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “Isn’t it out of your way to take me?”

  “How do you know where I’m going?” Lola retorted.

  I wanted to say, Greenpoint is on the road to nowhere, believe me I know. But I closed my mouth and shrugged. I didn’t want to set Lola off again. Things were finally going well.

  “Here he comes,” Lola said, waving up the street.

  I turned and realized I had a dilemma. Both men were standing there looking at me. It was staring me in the face—Liam was a nice, handsome man, but he wasn’t Vic. I tried not to look into Vic’s eyes because I would get lost in them again and feel everything I couldn’t for him.

  So instead I looked at Liam and held out my hands. “Thank you for the scene, Liam. I’m sorry it ended that way.”

  “Don’t apologize. I wish it could have been better for you.”

  “It was fun, thank you. I see what you mean about endurance…”

  “Call me if you need to talk.” Liam slipped me his card, which I didn’t need. I sneaked a glance at Vic. He didn’t seem to care that I was talking to Liam. He was devouring me with his eyes.

  “Martin’s here,” Lola said, jolting me from his gaze.

  “I’ve got to go,” was the only thing I said to Vic. Thanking him was useless. He didn’t want thanks. He wanted me: heart, body and soul. I could see that. Anyone could see that.

  I could hear him say, I’m not pretending anymore. I love you, Sierra. I always will.

  I turned at the sliding door of the van to see him one last time. I couldn’t have told you if Liam was still there. I only saw Vic, with his eyes telling me that he knew. He knew the effect he had on me.

  As the door slammed shut, and I thanked Martin for offering me a ride, my last glimpse was of Vic. I tucked Liam’s card in my pocket, but I knew I wouldn’t use it. Liam was very nice, but not what I wanted.

  Vic was what I wanted, but he wasn’t very nice.

  It was a disaster.

  My only distraction was listening to Lola and Martin talking. Spike and June had stayed behind to play, while my sister and her boyfriend were going home. Their conversation was so ordinary that it took a while for me to appreciate how comfortable they were together. Martin asked if Lola still itched, and Lola pointed out the deli where he could stop and run in to get his cigarettes. It was warm, homey kind of talk. The kind I had been missing for months and months.

  But they were definitely an odd couple. Martin was fatherly with Lola, if anything, while Lola was far more respectful of him than I had ever seen her with anyone.

  It didn’t matter if I liked it, or the fact that Lola decided to paint herself pink. I was determined to be supportive of Lola, even if it didn’t make sense.

  When we arrived at my loft building, Martin let me out of the back. I told him, “I’m so glad to get to know you better.”

  “Uh, me, too,” he said, a little surprised at my enthusiasm.

  “You two have to come to our next party,” I said, offering up the most enticing thing I had. “The last one was amazing.” I pointed upward. “It’s on the roof.”

  Martin grinned, showing too many crooked teeth with a gap on the side. “We’ll be there.”

  “Sure, why not?” Lola asked. She hesitated, then gave me a brief hug, and hopped back in the van. I was glad that Lola was being this friendly.

  It made me feel even better when Martin waited until I was inside before he pulled away. If he was that conscious of keeping me safe, maybe he would keep Lola safe.

  As I went upstairs, I realized I had a lot to think about. One flashback had turned my emotions upside-down. Now I had to figure out which way was up.

  ...

  I went straight to bed and slept soundly for the first time in a week. When I woke, it felt like my feet were back on solid ground, instead of dangling over an abyss. Perhaps it was because I had new memories of Vic, instead of Victor. And they were good ones.

  He had taken care of me again. Like he always did. Like when I overheated in the suit. And when he saved me from Dick.

  Now I felt like Vic had been taking care of me those times, the real man instead of the fantasy master he had created.

  I worked the late shift on Sunday, still feeling strangely calm. Like my emotions were in a lull. Maybe I was tapped out, but it was a relief after the turmoil of the past months. Peace was an underrated thing, and I drank it in deep.

  Over the next few days, I kept checking my phone. I wasn’t expecting Vic to contact me because I had told him not to. But part of me wanted him to reach out.

  Then I would shake myself. No, I’m crazy and ignoring the massive red flags again!

  Vic was trouble—he had already proven that. I had been psychic th
e first night I met him and called him trouble, but despite every warning sign, I had forged ahead.

  My treacherous feelings were leading me astray again.

  So I resisted the urge to contact him. What could I say, anyway? The fact still remained that he had lied to me for months. How could I ever trust him again?

  The next morning at work I got a text, but it wasn’t the one from Vic that I had dreaded yet hoped for.

  It was from Martin: Do you know where Lola is?

  When I saw those words, I knew instantly that this wasn’t good. No, I texted back. I haven’t talked to her since you dropped me off.

  She didn’t come home last night, Martin replied.

  “Shit!” I exclaimed. I ducked into a changing room and hit call on my phone, listening impatiently as it rang.

  “Hi, Sierra,” Martin answered.

  “What’s going on with Lola?” I demanded.

  “She didn’t come home last night.”

  “You said that already! What happened? Did you have a fight?”

  There was a noncommittal sound. “Not exactly.”

  “So what exactly was it?” I demanded. He wasn’t winning any points with me right now.

  “She wasn’t happy with an order I gave her. But she said she would obey me.”

  “Obey you?”

  “Don’t be judgmental, Sierra. It’s our dynamic.”

  I told myself to not rise to the bait. “What did you order Lola to do?”

  “Does it matter?” he asked impatiently.

  “It would tell me how bad the situation is.”

  “It wasn’t that big a deal. I told her to stop talking to someone.”

  Startled, I asked, “Me?”

  “No! Not you. Someone who isn’t good for her.”

  Mollified, I asked, “So you told her that, and she stormed out?”

  “No… she was quiet after that, but I thought it was settled. I don’t think that has anything to do with her being gone overnight.”

  “You mean she up and disappeared for no reason?” That sounded much worse.

  “Yeah, did she ever do that with you? Not come home and not answer her phone when you called?”

  I gave a harsh laugh. “Join the club, Martin! The Lola Club. Cut off without a word. Left behind like we’re trash.”

  There were a few moments of silence on the other end, then Martin protested, “But nothing happened between Lola and me.”

  “Nothing happened between Lola and me, either. She just up and disappeared. I still don’t know where you live.”

  “But… you keep showing up at our events. You’re always so angry at her.”

  “I’ve been trying to find out why she won’t talk to me! I had to stalk my own sister to get near her. I’m worried about her. You’re not exactly the typical boyfriend Lola chooses, if you know what I mean. And this kink stuff can be dangerous—believe me, I know.”

  “That’s more judgment, Sierra,” Martin protested.

  Suddenly my boss was rapping on the door. “Sierra! If you’re going to take a break, then take a real break. And let me know about it.”

  “I gotta go,” I told Martin.

  When I came out, Kalisha sent me down to Lingerie to help with the big sale. It was always a mess in that department when there was a sale. I almost texted Lola on the way down, but stopped myself. I needed to think this over so I didn’t piss off Lola again by interfering.

  So as I refolded undies and hung bras back on their hangers, I considered why Lola might stay away overnight. Listening to Martin had reminded me of Dick when Lola was stepping out on him with Martin. Now I could finally see a resemblance between the two bossy men.

  It made perfect sense to me that Lola would walk out after Martin ordered her not to talk to a friend. Maybe that friend was a new guy. I wondered if Lola had found someone she liked better, and she had spent the night with him. And now Martin was jealous.

  I always thought this thing with Martin couldn’t last long. But the photos would be on the Internet forever… stupid Lola probably never considered that.

  This was exactly what I had feared. That Lola would make a bad mistake and be out looking for a place to sleep one night.

  I found myself thinking about my old bed that I had shoved under my loft bed. Lola could sleep there, if she needed to. If Keith would let my sister stay with me. And if my roommates didn’t object. But how long could that last? It could only be a temporary thing. My cubicle was too small. I couldn’t live in it with Lola.

  It made me mad. I had warned Lola it would come to this if she abandoned our apartment. Instead, Lola had torpedoed our nice life together because she wanted to fuck around with a carnie for a few months.

  In spite of that, every instinct told me to help Lola. Even though I knew it would be a terrible mistake, if the recent past was any guide.

  Worry and anger went back and forth inside of me, completely wiping out the blessed relief that had welcomed me the past few days. And that made me madder at Lola. Why did I always have to take care of my little sister? I had finally known what it felt like to let go of that responsibility, of learning to not care that I didn’t know where Lola lived or why my sister had cut me off. The only thing that mattered was my own actions. It was a relief, to be honest. Like a weight was off my shoulders.

  But now Lola was back like a demanding child, dragging everyone’s attention to her as she wrecked havoc around us. It had worked with our mom growing up. Lola made a stink whenever she could, and got the last of the energy our mom had to give. And now it was still working, as Lola got men to obsess over her. Again.

  I managed to get through the day and ran a few errands on the way home, completely unable to think about anything else, but doing my best. Like I was fighting an addiction. Or a co-dependency.

  Finally, on the bus ride home, I gave in and texted Lola: What’s up?

  I was afraid even that was too much and that Lola would find something to hate in those two words. But there was no response from her. At first I tried to tell myself that Lola was making me wait, like she usually did. Or that her battery was dead—like it was the other night—and that’s why she wasn’t answering.

  Finally I texted Martin: Did Lola come home?

  Martin replied: No. I haven’t heard from her. She’s not answering my calls or texts.

  I didn’t know what to say to that. It wasn’t good. Maybe Lola was on a bender with a new guy and would surface in a day or two. Maybe she was staying with new friends because she didn’t want to be with Martin anymore.

  But as I struggled to eat dinner and talk to my roommates like nothing was the matter, I knew there was something wrong.

  As soon as the dishes were put away, I texted my mom: Have you talked to Lola lately?

  I hoped my mom wasn’t on shift at the grocery store because she wouldn’t be able to text back until her break. But after a few minutes, my mom replied: Not since she asked for $500 to pay your rent.

  I felt my anger rise. My mom was implying that we both needed the money, not just Lola. I knew my mom didn’t give it to Lola—she had stopped giving my sister money over a year ago, and that’s why Dick’s help had been so critical. But the fact that Lola had tried to get it, showed me that she had made at least a little effort. From the way Lola acted, I figured she had walked away from me without a second thought.

  I hung up. I didn’t have anything to say to my mom after that. What kind of mother only texted her daughters once a month? We had practically raised ourselves because our mom was so busy with work and boyfriends. But she had shoved us out of the nest—her living room—like she was doing us a big favor.

  Lola wouldn’t find much sympathy if she went looking there.

  I couldn’t believe I had no other options. But I didn’t know any of Lola’s friends. Lola wasn’t working anywhere other than Transcendence. And the performance crew didn’t know where she was.

  The only other person who knew Lola was Dick. And I didn�
�t want to go there after he had been lurking around outside of Vic’s last weekend.

  Then again, who was the most likely to know what Lola was doing? If Dick was stalking me, he was still stalking Lola. At the very least, he would know where she lived. If I did have to report this to the police as a missing person, I would need Lola’s last address.

  Then I had a terrible thought—what if Martin had something to do with Lola’s disappearance? What if Martin was trying to muddy the waters to hide a crime he had committed?

  I shivered. Those ropes… if one slipped around Lola’s neck… or if Martin had gone too far…

  With trembling fingers, I texted Dick: When was the last time you saw Lola?

  Dick answered fast, like he always did. A couple weeks. Why?

  I can’t find her, I texted back. Do you know her address?

  Dick responded: 1090 DeKalb Ave. Below Broadway. Shitty neighborhood. Don’t go there alone.

  I gave an exasperated sound—the irony of Dick giving me safety advice! The bruises on my arm had lasted for a week after he had tried to wring Lola’s address out of me. When I didn’t have it.

  So Dick must have stalked Lola to find it. He followed her home from one of Transcendence’s events, and lurked around outside watching her and Martin go inside.

  With a shudder of distaste, I texted back: Do you know where else Lola could be staying?

  No. You should have helped me when you could. Then this would be settled already.

  Dick’s response was quick. Too quick. I went back and read our exchange from the beginning. He said he hadn’t seen Lola in a couple of weeks.

  A couple of weeks… yet last weekend Dick was lurking around outside of Vic’s place and asking me for money. Was it really possible Dick had spied on me in the past couple of weeks, but not Lola?

  No, it wasn’t possible. Dick was obsessed with Lola.

  The whole text series felt wrong. Why wasn’t Dick asking more questions? All of his other texts were filled with questions. And now I was telling him Lola was missing, and he had nothing to say but he hadn’t seen her and didn’t know where she was.

  Now I was really worried. I didn’t trust Dick or Martin. Either one of them could be up to something bad with Lola.